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Mo butta and easy on the salt please. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
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oh lord. I missed your original post. When was the last time I completely cold called a dude? It was here. Back in 2010. Pre-blogging. Based on just his picture, which was specific to his fetish. I had a few other regular fun single dudes in my harem but thought he'd make an interesting addition. He was agreeable and I didn't require much from him at the time. We dated about 6 months, moved in together for another year, and then he proposed. It's been 6 years married now. To say THAT'S been an adjustment would be an understatement!
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I am indeed serious! I don't advertise it and there's times where I certainly don't feel like I'm a "passion success story" because of it but it is what it is and we're working on a lot of stuff and powering through the rest while trying to keep ourselves and each other happy. So, not a secret, just something I don't shout lol. Fortunately all of my friends know we met here. His..... well, his friends just know the generic online dating --> marriage part lol.
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It's been a while, for sure. I do know all of the research that's been done on OKCupid showing that it benefits women to reach out. I did do it a few times there, if a profile seemed particularly interesting, and usually my messages were fairly indirect ("you have awesome taste in music! - just had to tell you that"). Giving them the opening to respond back and get something started if they so desired, but keeping my pride intact if they were NOT interested Most of my interactions here have been 1) men contacting me, or 2) chatting with people in the chatroom and later meeting them at a group meet and greet, or 3) interacting with people on the blogs. It's pretty rare for me to see a male profile here that would inspire me to reach out - most guys do not put in a lot of detail and I need to feel like THE WHOLE PERSON (not just their sexytime interests) is someone who I'd like.
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I hope you ask the same question of men.
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If I may...from the other side...I have had two very long and poetic relationships with women that reached out to me first. Now...back to the corner with my popcorn... It is all about attitude, approach and presentation! What is your AAP?
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Every man doesn't have the same experiences on this site. I think my experiences are vastly different from the average male member. I delete initial messages from women everyday without reading them. Usually what I can see without opening an email is the reason. I always look at a profile first either way. I've met dozens of women from this site without sending an initial email. I'm pretty sure I have never sent an initial email to a woman trying to "holla" at them. I've read a lot of the posts that offer advice about meeting women here. It all sounds good and reasonable but I doubt many men would have success taking the advice that's offered. Ultimately women here choose who they want to associate with so I try to be seen in as many places on the site as possible. I get chosen enough to hang around. So...what's a [non hot] woman to do? Depends on what you mean. To me the hottest thing about women I meet here is their intelligence. We can pretty much work anything else out.
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I like popcorn, thanks for sharing
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I look forward to reading it.
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i did it with a blogger that i liked but not for sex. does that even count?? You cannot conceive the many without the one.
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What has been your experiences when you sent messages on those other dating sites? How many men responded? Of those, how many did you meet? As I said, it's been a while, but my recollection is that I got polite responses to most (70%?) of the messages where I initiated. Usually the way it played out is that there would be a polite back and forth for a bit...not resulting in an actual meeting. Maybe because I'm not very assertive and was waiting for them to suggest? (I would be feeling sensitive because *I* was the one who reached out - at least when the guy contacts you first, you know he had SOME interest and wasn't just messaging with you out of politeness). I dunno, there may have been one or two that resulted in a meet? I sent you the link to the actual blog post in a message - I wasn't sure if the link would go through in blog comments. One of the really interesting findings is that both men and women initiate messaging with people who are more attractive than themselves*. So if you limit yourself to talking to the guys who messaged you first, you're probably dealing with a pool of people less attractive than yourself. *I also saw something recently saying that people perceive themselves as 5 times more attractive than they really are so these people probably don't THINK they're messaging someone who's out of their league.
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Trying again here, with the link: https://theblog.okcupid.com/a-womans-advantage-82d5074dde2d
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You might not be interested in men who reach out to women, I can respect that. But the men who have been reached by women might be of interested to you. It's the receiving end of your previous question. My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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oh lord. I missed your original post. When was the last time I completely cold called a dude? It was here. Back in 2010. Pre-blogging. Based on just his picture, which was specific to his fetish. I had a few other regular fun single dudes in my harem but thought he'd make an interesting addition. He was agreeable and I didn't require much from him at the time. We dated about 6 months, moved in together for another year, and then he proposed. It's been 6 years married now. To say THAT'S been an adjustment would be an understatement! I haven't crossed paths with you before on the blogs, but I have my own improbable "how we met" story -- not a met-on-the-net story, but still improbable. At the 2010 Seattle International Film Festival, I saw a film at a place known as the Egyptian, where my favorite seat is the middle of the last row of the front section, roughly the center of the theater. After the film, I stayed for the next film in the same theater, and as soon as I was allowed in (early because I had a fancy pass), I left my coat on that seat and went to talk with friends elsewhere in the theater. When the lights dimmed for the trailers, I returned to my marked seat, in the now-full theater. I noticed a beautiful redhead in the next seat, apparently there alone, had a few naughty thoughts about her, but kept them to myself. I took some notes about the preceding film on my phone, intending to write about it later on my movie blog. When the ads ended, I switched of my phone, because using a phone during the actual film is rude, rude, rude, particularly in Seattle where people are exceptionally well-behaved in theaters. The redhead said to me, in an annoyed tone of voice, "Thank you." I replied something like, "Of course I wasn't going to leave the phone on during the actual film." I mentioned that I was taking notes about the preceding film. We exchanged a few glances in the dark during film's few slow points. At the end she said that it (a Russian musical romantic comedy) reminded her of when she was in Saint Petersburg. That led to a conversation about travel. And she was intrigued that I was writing about the movies I was seeing. I asked for her e-mail address so I could give her a pointer to the movie blog, so she didn't have to remember the rather long URL. I wrote to her from my phone while walking to the next film festival event, pointing to the blog, and inviting further communication. The next day, a Friday, we planned to see more movies together, but ended up just talking for a long time at her house, where I went to pick her up so she wouldn't have to hassle with the bus. We didn't actually got to any films. On Saturday, we went to two or three films, and talked a bunch more at her place after I gave her a ride home. On Sunday, the final night of the festival, we went to a few more films together, and I invited her to the closing night party. She declined because she had to go home to take medicine, but invited me to her place afterwards. I gave her a ride to the express bus home and went to the party. After the party I went to her place, and to bother our relief we finally ended up in bed together. And I never left; without really planning it, I essentially moved in that night. We were engaged after six or seven weeks, we've been together seven years, and married for six. - The first interaction, her annoyed "thank you", was a lot like the formula meet-cute in romantic comedy movies, which makes the story even more fun for our fellow film festival friends. Fortunately, we skipped some of the acts in a romantic comedy -- no extended break-up due to a ridiculous misunderstanding, followed much later by a reconciliation. We just skipped straight to the happily ever after.
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Emphasis on this: The results often appear to just be data they manipulated (read: pulled out their ass) to advertise why THEIR site works. I haven't seen a lot of research claims by dating sites other than OK Stupid, during its era as an independent site. (Now that it's owned by Match, it seems intent on earning the "Stupid" joke name.) But back then OK seemed to be run by nerds who loved their data too much to manipulate it. I'd be pretty strongly inclined to trust anything they published before the change in ownership.
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What has been your experiences when you sent messages on those other dating sites? How many men responded? Of those, how many did you meet? As I said, it's been a while, but my recollection is that I got polite responses to most (70%?) of the messages where I initiated. Usually the way it played out is that there would be a polite back and forth for a bit...not resulting in an actual meeting. Maybe because I'm not very assertive and was waiting for them to suggest? (I would be feeling sensitive because *I* was the one who reached out - at least when the guy contacts you first, you know he had SOME interest and wasn't just messaging with you out of politeness). I dunno, there may have been one or two that resulted in a meet? I sent you the link to the actual blog post in a message - I wasn't sure if the link would go through in blog comments. One of the really interesting findings is that both men and women initiate messaging with people who are more attractive than themselves*. So if you limit yourself to talking to the guys who messaged you first, you're probably dealing with a pool of people less attractive than yourself. *I also saw something recently saying that people perceive themselves as 5 times more attractive than they really are so these people probably don't THINK they're messaging someone who's out of their league. When I was unattached, I replied a ridiculous number of classifieds on both the "w4m" and "casual encounters" sections, met a number of women, and had a nice hook-up with one of them. Summary of the hook-up here: I enjoy snow However, on dating sites, most of the in-person meetings I had were with women who made the first contact. My own attempts at first-contact mostly disappeared into the void; it was pretty rare that I even got a reply to messages other than those that were unrelated to dating, and instead addressed friend-potential matters instead. In other words, stuff like this: "I'm not trying to ask you out, but I really want to know more about _____." In addition, when my wife and I talked more about the possibility of a threesome, the only woman I met initiated contact with me. The meeting didn't lead to anything more than a pleasant public conversation; she was on the edge of my type, and not at all my wife's type. But she initiated contact.
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Emphasis on this: Just they were recently divorced/just out of a relationship and also wanted to bitch about what evil bitches their ex's are. That was precisely my impression of nearly all of the women (in my league) on the Fish site. And the blog at OK Stupid had analytics that suggested a reason that might be the case on some sites: 1. People who are ready for a relationship sign up for dating sites, meet someone either on dating sites or in person, and disappear from dating sites. 2. People who are not relationship material (such as those who are still resentful about sour experiences with earlier relationships) sign up for dating sites, either fail to get any dates because their bitterness shows through in their profiles, or because their dates go nowhere because their bitterness shows up on the dates. 3. As a result of #1 and #2, good catches are scarce on dating sites because they're not around for long, but bitter people accumulate because they drive away people who can see that they're not ready for relationships. - And on the topic of "in my league": When I first saw my now-wife (story above), I thought she was out of my league, because she was so attractive, and I was just an old nerdy guy. When she first saw me, she thought I was out of her league, because I was a very fit, well-preserved, nicely-dressed older guy, with a fancy film festival pass that allowed me to go to the front of the line at every film. But I had figured out -- or maybe just hoped -- that one couldn't necessarily guess someone else's tastes. Maybe a woman who looked way out of my league would just happen to have a thing for an old nerdy guy, or at least be open to conversation long enough to discover common interests that would overcome visual impressions. So, why not just give it a try with anyone I found attractive; if she's out of my league anyway, I don't need to feel disappointed if she's not interested. It worked for us.
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I'm just going to respond to one of your comments here. Sorry to flood. This site's quote function didn't allow me to combine quoted replies into a single message, or to quote only the portion that I was replying.
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